A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. the bartender gives it to
him and walks away. the guy takes a sip. then he heres a voice that says "hey nice tie". he looks around and sees that no
one is there and the bartender is at the other end of the bar. he takes another sip and hears someone say "hey nice shirt".
he calls the bartender over and asks "hey are you saying something to me?" the bartender says "no, why? do you hear something?"
the guy says, "well, i just heard someone say hey nice tie, hey nice shirt" the bartender replies, "oh, thats just the peanuts.
They're Complimentary"
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? cuz they taste funny
"Thongs of any type are not permissible" - Brookfield High School Dress
Code
In health class during the study of reproduction a guy asks "What's
with the tampons with wings?"
Why don't seagulls fly over the bay?
cuz then they would be bagels!!!!
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping(darn, and that's the
only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would
be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's
"just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't
this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery
after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those
darn 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking
this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as
opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one:
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals."(...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
A man walked into a building, did it hurt?
Two men walk into a bar, one ducked.
Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says "do you know how
to drive this thing?"
What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? In the end, someone
is going to lose a trailer.
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a
beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot,
the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made
giant commitments.Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ''Can I help you?'' ''Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines.''
What do you call a one-legged lady? Eileen!
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering,
he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Route 280. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a
pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just
go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means,
be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps,
set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing
waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took
aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of
the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated,
shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.
